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sooo i fucked up also sorry i been mia i know i suck at staying on top of shit lately

ok so yall i kept forgetting and putting off calling the pharmacy idk why the shot works and it works great for me, but im over a week past due for my new one and they had to up my dose to top it off bc my schizo shit kinda like appears almost like the shadow people in scary movies except they are not scary, all but one and hes tall dark and heavy like when he actually does speak and he moves which he ususally stays pretty much to himself and were good but something got him stiring tonight like frfr hes being vocal and hes even heavier darker and seems bigger then normal but i mean i have beeen medicated and i keep having to remind myself that its not real its my head and the things said are not true and that my imagination is running wild all that i keep checking myself like im supposed too, hes just always making good points about shit i dont like to face like he keeps talking about to idk who but about how im waist of time and in the way how im more of a burden to people then i am anything else and with examples and like i know im not easy and i know im different from most but a burdan seems harsh to me like i dont wanna be in anyones way or holding them back causing issues but i mean i dont bring anything to the table honestly i do shit like this and neeed to be watched im not right now im not that far out there but another weeek or2 and i could go fulll blown episode at this rate …. i cant believe im writing this for the world to see and judge but fuck im trying to hold on to reality im just having a moment itll pass they usually do crzy how much he effects me honestly kinda like haunting myself ugh i got this oh ohohoh so during my crzy moment i think i figured out why i cant seem to make it work with anyone in a relationship and its bc im still in love with a man i lost when i was 19 how crazy is that shit to be in love with someone who you have not seen and only emailed maybe 20 times over a 15 yr time span like thats crazy people shit maybe i do need to be having my own like suit at the mental hospital itll just ve my personal room haha idk but i cant get him out of my head and his thougt makes my tummmy flutter i get goose bumps and feel warm all at once okay yay hes getting quiet again maybe i talked adn typed my way threw this one thank the lord ugh i got a headache setting in now between the seizures and shit on top of everything im never sure whats what adn causing what

so they upped my shot dose

like i knew they was gonna up it and shit but i didn’t expect it to make my blood pressure drop but didn’t think upping my mgs would make the blood pressure issue worse figured it would just stay the same as much as i like this shot i may have to see if there are other options for a shot a month for my coocoo shit, like my blood pressure gets so low i cant function at times but the voices are less often and way less invasive so its working just not exactly ideal when my blood pressure drops to 83/50 that shit had me feeling all types of fucked off…. i dont know just hate this hop scotch bull shit game we gotta play to find the right meds when it comes to mental health and staying safe its like russion rullet with scripts and suicidal people its stupid so i gotta tell yall, my steop dad had a heart attack right and it was like a full blockage deal and now they say he needs open heart surgery but they wont do the surgery bc hes in such bad shape from drinkin smoken and drugs over the years hes just fucked himself up. his heart is bad and hes on dialysis plus hes got some mental isssues goin on from the dialysis not getting all the toxicons out of his system like we do from peeing sweating and pooing bc he doesn’t do any of that like he should and does not pee at all he gets fucking like dementia symptoms mixed with hallucinations so he gets very agressive and he is so verbily abusive towards my mom its almost impossible to deal with him without losing my shit but so far i have done really good about walkjing away and stating why i am doing so also im finding my self getting lonely and really missing having a person to trust love be loved by and be touched i miss being touchced and held

sorry i keep dipping out

i dont mean to just dip out on this blog like i do for days at a time but i tend to get myself side tracked and lost for days at a time seems like and ive yet again gone to long no meds and no dr apt its not pretty like wtf am i thinking i know better and im not a child so like wtf i gotta get my shit together i just cant seem to do it for some unknown odd reason i wish i could figure my shit out i made it yrs not in trouble and on top of my shit when the abuse in my marriage got bad i just checked out i guess and have yet to check back in. i do disassociate very much so on the level of an expert in that area of life… like aaaahhh ugh why cant i just be able to feel how i feel without it being some kinda ordeal. its so irritating honestly. but yea so im over here trying to keep my shit seemingly together and not talking to imaginary people in front of anyone bc im starting to hear the voices again but this time they are clear as a bell, and its overwhelming when i gotta separate the real and the imagination without being noticed and in turn i end up being hella quiet and hella distant from everyone its not good bro not good at all. my best friend since before we ever even hit puberty has spiraled off the rocker and now is acting all out of character. but thinks i am out of character but the dumb ass cant really say that bc you never know whats coming when it comes to me day to day. anyway this particular friend is now acting like they are some type of big head and a somebody in the drug world just bc they have spiraled off into that world does not mean i need to hear this bull shit all crazy talking and shit half of it i dont even think is true like its almost as if trying to convince themself of the stories i’m being told instead of convincing me. i dont fucking know anymore like what the fuck is going on with the world everyone seems to either be on drugs or is an alcoholic and they just judge each others vices like their choice is a better one but lets be real an addiction is still an addiction just because one is legal and one is not does not make one less of a problem then the other… everyone has a vice just dont over do it keep it in check and it aint nobody elses problem that way so nobody can say shit about it unless you are making your vice their problem. ugh so like i was saying everyone out here seems to have gone from the point of blowing money on their poor choice here and there and being responsible and smart about it to blowing all their money on shit fucking off jobs and barely surviving when they where living before i just dont get it… i am no angle to lifes twists and turns and making bad life choices believe that but my paranoia keeps me in survival mode at all times and i have never really been on top of the world or had my shit together like never i never been the friend who actually had life by the balls ive been doing okay and ive been able to appear as if i had it all together and was living life but i was surviving the whole time and battling demons and making poor life choices just quietly not broadcasting my poor life choices…. made the wrong friends and they started to tell my business but it took till i was over 30 for my private i shit was aired out and ive lost friends over i that shit some recent losses was on my call and my choice bc i dont want to be associated with that kinda life style and i dont want to be friends with people who air my business out or who will throw me under any buses just to save their own ass, others chose to stop being associated with me due to the choices i was making it kinda sucks to be honest but thats life and i gotta accept it for what it is….. just sucks bc now im learning when i was disowned by some people over those choices i dont make anymore they are now in that kinda life style deeeper then dallas like what in the actual fuck you guys let me sleep on the street over my life choices and wouldnt even respond to my texts but now now all of a sudden you got my back again and you always did and you wanna drag me back into the life style i not ownly got out of on my own i kept away from them out of respect and simply bc i never wanted to drag them down that kinda darkness and these mofos wanna drag my ass back to it like why does that seem totally fucked off to me on their parts

crazy how differently we remember things…

I remember things so much differently then how my mom and siblings remember shit. maybe i just perceived it differently like maybe because of how my brain is wired differently, i just saw or see things out of focus so to speak, like i dont remember being this happy go lucky confident girl i dont remember being happy but i do remember being angry all the time, i remember never feeling like i fit in with my own family let alone with other people!!! It seemed like I was in a constant compete for everything growing up, my brother was the perfect kid still is and i could never quite be good enough to even come close to being treated even close to how he was treated by both my parents, dads side of the family have always goo’d and gaw’d him and ya hes a good freaking person and hes all that they say but good grief what is it about me that was just not enough for them to treat me even kinda half way semi like they wanted to spend time with me. moms side made him out to be this super brother and all American just golden boy. again he was all those things and more still is. my sis was a little tougher of an acceptance for everyone on all sides but once she was accepted by everyone she has such a magnetic personality that she is the baby and the one that could get away with anything some of the worst behavior and due to her being mix raced they gave her almost special treatment and allowed her to spiral out of control by the time she was 12. then it was a problem but up till then it was just shit that was over looked and alot of shit she did i was blamed for and was punished for all because they thought she was to young or small to do the shit she would do and id be the one to get my ass beat for it. i dont remember anything from before she was born i was 7 almost 8 so i should have more memorys of when it was me dad mom and bubba but i dont honestly so maybe prior to my sister being born i was the happy dingy out going person but i dont remember her and how is it parents always gotta blame someone for when we change. like i went threw a bad depression and its still to this day called a phase and blamed on a friend i had in high school i dont even talk to anymore, when i was real young my mom said my paranoia started back when i was like 6-7 and she blames that on a kid i dont even remember who shes talking about being my friend at that age. but i dont know honestly like bc of that mind set is that why i went so long before being diagnosed or bc of that mind set is that what triggers my triggers to get worse sometimes. im laying here just thinking about weird shit while i try to ignore this nausea i got going on… i just dont know yall i really dont i stay confused about shit and i dont feel good at all my son is here tho so i get time with him just wish i felt better, but ima go to bed now just wanted to write before bed to night my brain is on some weird shit night yall sweet dreams

i am failing at life

like what in the actual fuck am im doing with my life i cant keep up with my dr appointments i cant keep up with moving from one place to another and stay on top of my meds and my schedule like it should not be that hard but for some reason for me it is…. changes trigger my seizures and my schizophrenia both, so even medicated with my shot i am still having isssues with my shit like hearing shit that aint there and seeing shadows as well as the just all around feeling trapped to my room from feeling judged and talked about or watched by everyone even when i know its in my head but then i dont know for sure its in my head im finally almost all moved in up here at my moms house from my gmas and im hoping that itll level out now like soon bc i cant take much more of this shit it fucking sucks being like this and not having control at all like really sucks i just want to be able to function on a normal level.

Aaaaaahhhhh monsters

So moving back to my gmas house to help take care of my gpa was one thing but to move into my momma house at 33 is a different story and I’ma tell ya what she has enough stuff to fill 2 homes fully furnished and closets full maybe even 3 homes no joke y’all and I mean I have clothes and some personal shit but no furniture or anything I’m not sure how the fuck I’ma fit to be honest like idk how plan was get a camper I’ll stay in the back yard right right but here’s the thing the camper thing fell threw but I can’t not go with her my step dad is stage 5 kidney failure (not gonna help with my episodes bc ummm stressful) but she needs help with him and she needs someone she can talk to and shit so I’ma fucking be there for her no questions asked just gotta be better about taking my meds and getting my shot done on time. Bc it’s not full effect yet I’m still kinda out there but I did finally get it and take it yesterday. Way way late but still. It’s hitting different this time bc of the gap time and they upped the dose so I’m way off and way weird but it’ll mellow out it’s just usually not this harsh of a hit to my everything. Ummmm anyway yes I’m not sure how the actual fuck I’ma fit me, my dogs, my shit, and my mental health into their home I’m tripping bc I gotta have organization and some structure and routine type life style or I spiral and that’s not at all how they live… Till I can get on disability I’m kinda fucked bc nobody lives like I do in my family and my ass is hard to deal with hard to love and even harder to be around nonstop I know this even if she’s not saying it like i feel like I’m a burden to her… hindering to her ability to live her life like she wants now she has to worry about yet another person she keeps saying it ain’t like that but ummm it’s like that I can not see how I will be any help. Anyway just needed to vent that out real fast. To anyone with imaginary friends or whispers like me I advise this invega shot for real for real. It is weird and kinda woooohoooo at first but when you level and realize how quiet quiet really is it’s kinda crazy and you get a little peace for me it’s not completely stopped my shit but it’s made it so much more barrable I was able to go get groceries and shit when I was doing good on my meds and I mean go get groceries and enjoyed it it was a first in a long time anyway I gotta get back to packing xoxoxo.. catch y’all later

Sooo still have not made it to the pharmacy

I hate how much different everything seems to be and how much more hazy shit seems to be. Went grocery shopping with my mom she kept telling me it’s okay and asking what’s wrong why I was on defensive mode she said my body language was screaming fear panicked anger hostile and more. I told her I could here them talking about us and everyone was looking at us and I told her my perspective of our shopping trip so she made it clear that today we are making the trip to the pharmacy for sure bc well apparently my behavior is like night and day with the meds and she feels like I’m less of a danger to myself medicated I’m not seeing the difference in my behavior changing like she claims I think I’m acting the same just I’m hearing more and feeling more paranoid and insecure more isolated type feeling like idk I don’t want to be around anyone at all but I gonna go get this shot today and pray I didn’t fuck up to bad and have to start the whole process over again for missing a few weeks in-between idk tho shouldn’t right??? Anyways I can definitely tell the difference and the fact my life right now is nothing but chaos and cluster fucks of confusion not being sure of if or where I’m gonna live now is a very much trigger for me to spiral completely out of control and go into a full blown episode but that medicine was making everything much more mild then I had realized till now. Ugh sick and tired of this shit stupid ass imbalance

That girl who you call cold and heartless

That girl who seems to not care at all about anything

That girl who you cant understand bc she doesn’t react

That girl you cant read bc shes hallow

Ya her that girl the one you claim you want and try to figure out

She once was so easy to figure out and so easy to read, she was so open and emotional to emotional, so emotional she would become unpredictable bc she was emotionally driven in everything she did,  she felt everything so much so strong that she could not control her emotions untill she met her match and had to learn to control them or let them go to prove she was more then the things he called her when they fought. She found out she cant control them if she feels it she has to react to it so the only other option was to stop them but she couldn’t and he tried but she was a fighter and he couldn’t stop them either so they stayed together angry fighting for yrs until she one day was pushed to far and was going ot make sure it was to never happen again but passing her sons room she was brought back to the reality of what she will be leaving fo*r family to deal with if she went threw with her urge and the only way she could be sure to not go there and not cross those lines is to stop caring about him and his opinion but the problem is only way to do that and it be effective is you gotta quit caring what everyone thinks and feels and you cant care about anyone not even yourself. That’s what she chose to do is shut her self off from the world she isolated and was already basically separated from her friends and family by him now she decided to cut off his people too bc it was safest for her then one day years down the road, 3 to be exact since shes been with that man longer since she wanted him and she still cant feel now after forcing herself to stop caring for so long she felt once after him and he did her so wrong and bad shes even worse now bc she didn’t understand love like she should have but she was emotionally stunted and now shes even less likely to find someone she will let in again bc she keeps letting in the ones who do the most har

Sometimes love isn’t enough no matter how tightly we hold on

Sorry I been mia

I just been isolating on a whole different level seems like got so much going on lately that all I wanna do is not be around people anymore or have to communicate with anyone about anything. Idk what else to tell you guys but I’m trying to fight my way threw this being on the edge of going into a full blown episode it’s crazy I keep thinking I’m okay then I’m not out of no where I hate that im always on this never ending cycle of mental health issues. I love the people in my life close and far I just wish I was better about reaching out and being there for them but it’s hard to do that when half the time I can’t even be here for myself

Sick and tired of the chaos

This chaos I call a life is getting the better of me lately I wanna believe everyone is good and trust them but then I can’t bc I don’t trust anyone I can’t even trust myself bc fuck idk if it’s a delusional moments or another imagination situation where it’s not even real the shit I remember sometimes ain’t even real or if it’s real it’s vaguely real bc my delusional ass twisted and turned shit in my brain and I remember things way different then they happened 😳🙄😳🙄😩😭🤣😂🤣😂 best I can do is ride this hell of an emotional ride that I barely feel bc I’m so numb to feeling anything thanks to schizophrenia. I miss being emotional and happy then mad then sad fuck I’ve gone so numb I can’t even pretend to feel anymore. It’s stupid af

why cant people be real

why can people go back to being about what the fuck they say and talk about like for real im diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and all but the way people fucking fake everything and lie and pretend and cant be real for shit makes me 2nd guess my brain being whats wrong i think the people are why i am how i am everyone is your friend to your face not any other time, its a one in a million chance of having anyone defend you when youre not present bc god forbid you make the gossip mad at you for defending a person who cant defend themself….. im so sick of being peoples friends only to learn they where never mine they just had me around and played the roll only bc i was convenient at the time lie and lie lie lie and and use me for what exactly tell me the fucking truth and ill still have your back on some level but at least im not doing shit under false pretenses im not sure honestly i dont have solid proof but what i do have is a gut feeling and a temper and with age i learned how to control my reactions and even with my “imaginary friends” and they convince me of some crazy shit and i still hold everything back till the appropriate time to lose my shit im very very private and very much so an internalizing type of person im going to blame myself and be mean to me way before i accept that someone else was the one who did wrong like what the fuck why am i taking and taking shit so what if its a delusion or a fucking hallucination by god everyone else gets to thro fucking fits over something like getting caught in a lie why do i care who’s feelings i hurt over something i think is real but i remind me myself that it might not be real and guess what i keep my mouth shut and it turns out the whole time ya i was having some sort of delusion but they where still guilty of doing me wrong as fuck behind my back the whole time. once i lose my shit i have done my research and i have proof of their foul ass behavior its just not always exactly what I thought I heard or saw or witnessed. but its usually close and sometimes I’m dead on and i connect dots that not many people would think to connect bc i mean most people do not think i pay attention but i have this problem where i pay to fucking much attention and i super tune in with peoples body language…

i dont fucking know i am just sick of people using me and lying to me and pretending bc im done just period point blank everyones gonna flip soon bc im fixing to start going back to the old tara the bitch who gave no fucks about peoples feelings or if i looked crazy i demanded respect and i was treated like a human not a door mat was not

the most liked person in the world but i was not mistreated like i am now

Mom’s better

My momma is doing way better she’s awake talking aware and back to normal just confused she’s missing the 48 hours before everything happened. We’re lucky she’s here after that.

Why the fuck can’t I

Why can’t I just lose my shit on this bitch like I can’t help but lose my shit on people like on accident I go off but this bitch I can’t seem to even build boundaries with chick like I don’t seem to have the ability to go off or be stern but when it finally happens it’s going to be bad. Like I’m developing hate and resentment towards what once was a best friend

ever feel like

someone or something higher power is just out to test you till you break but then you turn around and have to accept that you aint that damn important but you just have that kinda life like honestly if my life difficulties have been test why am i still goin threw them and so many so often all traumatic and totally fucked off shit nobody should have to do makes no since to me bc im still stuck in this middle zone of poor people life all bc i dont fuck over people and im not selfish in the right ways i try to be a good person and i try to do what i find morally acceptable as well as morally sound and i guess i missed something growing up where its alll about me class they must have taught while my parents where teaching me to be kind idk somehow i missed something somewhere or i just attract the wrong crowd idk but dudes be my worst people picking skill i have when it comes to dating to im always gettting hurt and acting like a crazy bitch but bc im pushed to the limits of having to release that version of me i warn everyone im crazy not my fault

Today was a day for sure…..

sooo my mom they think had a stroke but they are claiming they dont know why she is just checked out they had to put her on a ventilator and a eating tube shes been on the ventilator for going on 3 days now they said basically that the lights are on but there is nobody home so they keep having to sadate her idk all i can ask is that everyone could please pray for my momma thanks love the crazy crying girl