why cant people be real

why can people go back to being about what the fuck they say and talk about like for real im diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and all but the way people fucking fake everything and lie and pretend and cant be real for shit makes me 2nd guess my brain being whats wrong i think the people are why i am how i am everyone is your friend to your face not any other time, its a one in a million chance of having anyone defend you when youre not present bc god forbid you make the gossip mad at you for defending a person who cant defend themself….. im so sick of being peoples friends only to learn they where never mine they just had me around and played the roll only bc i was convenient at the time lie and lie lie lie and and use me for what exactly tell me the fucking truth and ill still have your back on some level but at least im not doing shit under false pretenses im not sure honestly i dont have solid proof but what i do have is a gut feeling and a temper and with age i learned how to control my reactions and even with my “imaginary friends” and they convince me of some crazy shit and i still hold everything back till the appropriate time to lose my shit im very very private and very much so an internalizing type of person im going to blame myself and be mean to me way before i accept that someone else was the one who did wrong like what the fuck why am i taking and taking shit so what if its a delusion or a fucking hallucination by god everyone else gets to thro fucking fits over something like getting caught in a lie why do i care who’s feelings i hurt over something i think is real but i remind me myself that it might not be real and guess what i keep my mouth shut and it turns out the whole time ya i was having some sort of delusion but they where still guilty of doing me wrong as fuck behind my back the whole time. once i lose my shit i have done my research and i have proof of their foul ass behavior its just not always exactly what I thought I heard or saw or witnessed. but its usually close and sometimes I’m dead on and i connect dots that not many people would think to connect bc i mean most people do not think i pay attention but i have this problem where i pay to fucking much attention and i super tune in with peoples body language…

i dont fucking know i am just sick of people using me and lying to me and pretending bc im done just period point blank everyones gonna flip soon bc im fixing to start going back to the old tara the bitch who gave no fucks about peoples feelings or if i looked crazy i demanded respect and i was treated like a human not a door mat was not