crazy how differently we remember things…

I remember things so much differently then how my mom and siblings remember shit. maybe i just perceived it differently like maybe because of how my brain is wired differently, i just saw or see things out of focus so to speak, like i dont remember being this happy go lucky confident girl i dont remember being happy but i do remember being angry all the time, i remember never feeling like i fit in with my own family let alone with other people!!! It seemed like I was in a constant compete for everything growing up, my brother was the perfect kid still is and i could never quite be good enough to even come close to being treated even close to how he was treated by both my parents, dads side of the family have always goo’d and gaw’d him and ya hes a good freaking person and hes all that they say but good grief what is it about me that was just not enough for them to treat me even kinda half way semi like they wanted to spend time with me. moms side made him out to be this super brother and all American just golden boy. again he was all those things and more still is. my sis was a little tougher of an acceptance for everyone on all sides but once she was accepted by everyone she has such a magnetic personality that she is the baby and the one that could get away with anything some of the worst behavior and due to her being mix raced they gave her almost special treatment and allowed her to spiral out of control by the time she was 12. then it was a problem but up till then it was just shit that was over looked and alot of shit she did i was blamed for and was punished for all because they thought she was to young or small to do the shit she would do and id be the one to get my ass beat for it. i dont remember anything from before she was born i was 7 almost 8 so i should have more memorys of when it was me dad mom and bubba but i dont honestly so maybe prior to my sister being born i was the happy dingy out going person but i dont remember her and how is it parents always gotta blame someone for when we change. like i went threw a bad depression and its still to this day called a phase and blamed on a friend i had in high school i dont even talk to anymore, when i was real young my mom said my paranoia started back when i was like 6-7 and she blames that on a kid i dont even remember who shes talking about being my friend at that age. but i dont know honestly like bc of that mind set is that why i went so long before being diagnosed or bc of that mind set is that what triggers my triggers to get worse sometimes. im laying here just thinking about weird shit while i try to ignore this nausea i got going on… i just dont know yall i really dont i stay confused about shit and i dont feel good at all my son is here tho so i get time with him just wish i felt better, but ima go to bed now just wanted to write before bed to night my brain is on some weird shit night yall sweet dreams