tonight is a mother

FUCKER KINDA NIGHT!!!!!! like check it out i dont remember much of anything but from the conversation had earlier today with a family member i know i fucked up didn’t need to be told that part but apparently as a kid i lied alot and hid even more then i lied, i know i lied quite a bit when i was 18-23 i was living a life i was not proud of and was getting myself in situations where i honestly couldn’t be talking about to family or anyone else for that matter. but it was my life im not ashamed of it now but not something i run around announcing to strangers about myself, would i change it? no i would not. simply put i grew and i developed into my own i was at a point in life where i freely got to discover exactly who i was and i was alot back then. i lived the life style and i lived it loud and with company that still keep to this day we just didn’t make wise life choices at that pivotal time in our lives. we grown now and on grown people shit, but point is having things told to you and being informed of grudges and stipulations i had no clue about ever by someone who was once my idol and i mean i looked up to him like he could do no wrong in my eyes but now now i learn that im not welcome in his home over some petty shit that took place when i was like 19-20 that his now wife still holds grudgingly close to her heart over clothes what in the actual fuck is going on, i have been homeless on the street and never reached out for help from these people, ive been threw some shit that can not be discussed on here and guess what never did i bother the important son of a bitch with a single issue why bc he stopped caring and showed it just enought that my hyper sensitive self caught it and gave him all the space he needed… that man does not even know me now days he wouldn’t know the first thing about me my family wants to all stay to tight nit and keep contact with everyone but me like why honestly why why am i always the outkast and the one whos just not good enough not pretty enought not smart enough not classy enough not fake enough not enough for anyone family friends men when i actually get one who wont run away from me like why the fuck cant people just accept me for me seriously what is it about me that they just cant seem to accept bc i accept them for them flaws and all but bc im different from everyone else im just forgotten and replaced sorry for being in my feels right now but man i wish i could just fucking cry i can feel the need and want and just i wish i could cry but nothing happens im so fucking numb from everything thats taken place since 2019 that i cant even feel the sadness i feel enough to cry, im fucking broken and i use to pray for my emotions to go away bc i was emotionally driven and i was over the outbursts i was over the unpredictability which was me but now i would give anything to feel again and to feel with such force and so deeply