When you think you are that important…

I’ve been so ridiculously paranoid I know it’s just a part of my day to day shit but damn come on now Tara pull your shit together you don’t do anything or know anyone worth being fallowed and watched like ugh I constantly be thinking people are out to get me one way or another and always thinking people I know are either watching me or trying to get over on me or use me and tell my business and just everything this is why I isolate I don’t believe it’s possible to find true friends anymore now days honestly I don’t I mean unless they are from child hood the people we meet as adults are not our friends they are jaded and matching energy to the point they will get you before they can be gotten now days so they are only your friend till they don’t need you anymore and that’s why I don’t trust people I find myself being loyal to people who don’t know the definition I find myself holding on to the image of them they portrayed themselves to be instead of seeing the truth and walking i allow them to use and use and use me in hopes of that good to come back till I finally just can’t take the hurt anymore. Don’t get me wrong being friends with me is not easy bc I’m always having random fears random outbursts random freakouts I tend to accuse people I love to be doing me wrong randomly bc I get paranoid but I also admit I was wrong and say sorry I warn everyone who enters my life of the fact I have issues and if they can’t handle them just leave before I get attached yet they always stay long enough to bond with them they leave and I never hear from them again or they come in and out using me when I’m needed and then gone when they no longer are in a bad way life’s good they leave goes bad they back and I always allow it bc I’ve been alone when it was to much and I won’t sit back and watch anyone go threw that I barely made it out each time I’ve experienced that kinda dark… Idk im rambling bc my mind is everywhere tonight I’ve had to much time interacting with people and they have me all fucked up bc they where being weird and made me think that they where around for alterier motives

Growing up hiding yourself from everyone

So I was not raised like most girls I was not daddy’s princess or baby girl he didn’t do tea parties never learned to braid hair nothing like that wasn’t a very affectionate man but he loved me and he did the best he could wich I think is a good job bc I’m honestly okay with myself and I have morals still able to like myself is success in my opinion. But I was daddy’s little girl as expected, but dad has always to this day called me child as his nickname for me like that’s his way of showing his love and affection child is his name to call me from the heart and to me that means the world but I was raised like a boy and I was spoiled by him untill I went back to mom’s house then shit was no longer like that I walked a much straighter line but not one person believed me when I confessed about hearing things said or seeing things or a conversation I had with them that didn’t happen instead of noticing those things I was labeled a liar and I learned how to hide and play off my reactions to my delusional moments and I talked to myself alot

Sooo we’re here and gonna try this

I’m going to be brave and tell the truth here about how I think how I get to the conclusion I get too. About how I put myself in the shit I do and how much becoming detached and disassociating can destroy you as well as isolation and it’s magical skill set if only making you worse …. Some may be embarrassing some may be hard to read it or know it…. This is not for the faint hearted or the sensitive people this is gonna be raw and at times dark and somethings could be a trigger for some so know up front exactly those things bc I will offend someone I will not be politically correct or even socially acceptable with some things I’m not exactly a person who has fucks to give I lost those things years ago. Don’t like my. Page leave please don’t waist our time mine and yours with hateful shit bc I won’t respond or read it